im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
