I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
