Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
