I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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