i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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