make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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