Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
