if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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