My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
