I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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