sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
