The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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