a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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