someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
