just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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