I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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