I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
