So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize