Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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