they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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