they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
