I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
