It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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