I skipped work to stalk him.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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