i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
