so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
