and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
