The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
