I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize