Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
