At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
