He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
