I'm laying in your front yard are you home
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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