i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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