So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
