i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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