he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
