I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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