I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
