What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
