And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
