The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
