new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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