3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dignity is for republicans.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
