bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
