as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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