I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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