My cat gives me a boner
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I cut my penus on the lid.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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