I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
