Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
