i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
