with your own penis?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
