My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
