Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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