You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
