Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize