I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we're chasing vodka with high fives
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
