Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
