"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
