She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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