Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize