Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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