I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
