someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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