Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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