I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
