I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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