I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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