There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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