you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
