I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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