No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't turn off my feet"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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