I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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