OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize