Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
