Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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