I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize