I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
